every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
