I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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