She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I did not marry a roomba.
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