So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
