he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
