Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Also, beer. Big fan.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
