Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
