the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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