I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
