just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
