I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
