This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
