my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
