TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
