we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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