if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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