She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
