I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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