im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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