i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
