Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
