last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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