I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So much rum. So many feels.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
