you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
