everyone is single if you try hard enough
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
