You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
