He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
