i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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