peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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