yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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