shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
