I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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