It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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