forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
