Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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