Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
