He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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