just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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