I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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