turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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