WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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