The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
