so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
