Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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