No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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