9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
