I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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