And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Rumble strips road head = magical
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
