Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
