Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
