Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
