I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
