is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
