All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
