I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
