I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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